If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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