worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Dicks are not precious.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
