Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
