Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
