Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
