She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
