Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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