So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
