Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
