this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
