Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
