I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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