with your own penis?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
