people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
