like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
