So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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