I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
