Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
