remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
