my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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