I could make wine with my vomit
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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