shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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