first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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