i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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