he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
