Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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