I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
