Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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