just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
