Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
