Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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