we have pet lesbian snakes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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