Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Jerry, you need to find god
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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