No stitches, just platelets and will power
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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