am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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