it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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