Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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