Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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