I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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