i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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