That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
