dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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