every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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