so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
