Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
