wakey wakey hands off snakey
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
