I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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