If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
