I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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