Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
