You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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