you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
