you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
