the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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