Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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