If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
