I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
