My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Everclear isn't food dammit
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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