The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
