It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
